All's well

The welcome return of Newswipe on BBC4 acts as a subtle reminder that the very best television is all too frequently relegated to the minority satellite channels.  If you've missed this gem, Newswipe is an eccentric and satirical look at how TV works.  Last night's examined the news over the past thirty years, and openly wondered how we weren't all dead, since the various stories in that period had been one 'end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it' story on top of another. If you've ever been scared by a potential pandemic of Ebola, nuclear Armageddon, Bird 'Flu, rampant terrorism, Men in long white Macs, or any other of the absurdly sensationalist stories the news outlets love to suggest are the 'next-dreadful-thing', then Newswipe is the ultimate antidote. 

Talking about gems,  congratulations are due to The Can y Bae Hotel, on the prom, run by Michael Thompson and  David Preece, which last year won the British Bargain Hotel Winner award and this year has triumphed in a wider category and finished eighth in the World’s Top Ten Bargain Hotel rankings. It's also come fourth in the Top 25 hotels in the UK as rated by European travellers.

Emma O’Boyle, TripAdvisor spokeswoman, said travellers praised its “spotlessly clean rooms”, “attentive and jolly service” and “delicious breakfast” and added: “A lot was down to the cheaper rooms without comprising cleanliness and service, and good value.”

So we're following Newswipe's advice and telling our readers about something good for a change.  Now, where was that story about the elderly woman who caught an Ebola variant of bird 'flu after being attacked by a man in a long white raincoat while trying to stop him sneaking around a playground with his Brownie because she thought he was a terrorist?

Say what you think - or not...

It's not generally realised that bloggers such as ourselves live in a climate where we can be sued for libel, reported to the Data Protection Commissioner or removed by the hosting company for speaking the truth.

"Surely not!" I hear you cry, but it is a fact that in the UK the cost of defending a libel claim in Britain — 140 times more than other countries, according to an Oxford University study — and the existence of super-injunctions, a court-obtained injunction that not only prohibits publication of information but also - alarmingly - prohibits publication of the mere fact that the injunction itself has been granted is slowly but inexorably removing free speech and hence freedom itself from the UK.

Private Eye reveals that last year Andrew Marr won an injunction to stop the media revealing “private information” about him – and to stop them revealing that he’d stopped them. Marr himself is on record arguing against a judge-made privacy law and calling for a public debate on the subject. Any such debate should include some reference to the effect of super-injunctions; yet Marr’s, like many others these days, was so draconian that one couldn’t mention its existence, nor the grounds it had been given.

The Sunday Times reports that an eminent Danish radiologist was sued in the London libel courts by GE Healthcare, the company that produces the drug and who has already spent nearly £400,000 in legal fees over the radiologist's presentation on his clinical experience of the dangerous side effects of a commonly used drug, Omniscan.

What these cases highlight is the growing tendency not only to suppress investigative journalism - on which many of our current freedoms depend - but also, and arguably far more dangerously, to stop scientists engaging in free debate and discussions on the risks associated with new and relatively untried medical treatments.

Things could be changing, however, and the Libel Reform campaign says they have concluded that English libel law has a negative impact on freedom of expression, both in the UK and around the world. Freedom of expression is a fundamental human right, and should only be limited in special circumstances. Yet English libel law imposes unnecessary and disproportionate restrictions on free speech, sending a chilling effect through the publishing and journalism sectors in the UK. This effect now reaches around the world, because of so-called 'libel tourism', where foreign cases are heard in London, widely known as a 'town named sue'. The law was designed to serve the rich and powerful, and does not reflect the interests of a modern democratic society.

Make sure you mention this to your MP when he asks for your vote.

Whose job?:

Are schools doing enough?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFTS18uUpgo

Stand by your risk assessment

There are few things that politicians of any party ever say that bring cheer to the heart. But when any of them wants to score points with a crowd, they resort to jibes about Health and Safety. And why not, you might ask. After all, isn't it Health and Safety enforcement that's seen Schools banning children throwing paper planes in case they get injured, teachers being told not to apply sunscreen to pupils for fear they are accused of abuse, councils knocking flat cemetery headstones considered to be unstable for fear they could injure a mourner and a lifeguard instructor and her husband being prevented from taking their three children into a toddlers' pool - because health and safety rules decreed there should be one adult per child?

H & S was brought into being as a series of preventative measures to try to cut the appalling numbers of injuries workers were experiencing in the days prior to any sort of regulation. Their onerous bedfellow - the Risk Assessment - is, ironically, one of the biggest causes of work-related sickness-stress leave for middle managers in the UK, and probably with good reason. Nothing is quite as bizarre or meaningless than to have to survey an area, property, building or potential project to try to anticipate all possible risks to the users.

But the reality is that accidents happen, and that managing risk as opposed to eliminating it is by far and away the more sensible approach.  One problem is that too many places use H & S as a convenient excuse not to arrange, allow or produce things they find irritating. If someone blames H & S, there are usually sage nods all around, and mutters about how we're becoming a 'Nanny state', but most folk accept it as being something imposed from afar. The other problem is the burgeoning growth of the litigation culture, an industry which threatens freedom like no other.

Freedom in the UK is being eroded quite enough as it is, without us adding layers of bureaucracy to stifle it further. Accidents will happen, not every stranger spells death and horror for a child and life means learning to take chances. If it's true that public opinion and reaction to proposed legislation is governed by the Press response, then perhaps we need to learn which papers we can trust.  But in the words of Cameron's speech writer, it's time to stop treating children like adults and adults like children.  Let's hope he remembers that comment in May.

CCBC and life

CCBC have decided to bring in a firm of consultants, this time costing £100k, to devise plans for the regeneration of Colwyn Bay, presumably because their somewhat ham-fisted attempts to sneakily buy property at several times the market price have come unstuck.

CCBC's track record on the regeneration proposals thus far is - to be kind - rather unimpressive, but you can't fault them for trying.  They're extremely trying, in fact. However, as Llandudno learnt in the '90s (and at other times) simply spending money on consultants doesn't guarantee success in the eventual endeavour.  In fact, it's probably about time that at least some of the regeneration grant was spent on the Councillors themselves or - to be more precise - on their education.  To start the ball rolling, we present the

Carneades Academy of Local Councils, Intellectual Understanding & Motivation. 

The Syllabus:

Understanding Consultancy, modern management and life in general 101.

Things you should know about consultants:

•  All too many consultants, when asked, 'What is 1 and 1?' respond, 'What do you have in mind?'
• I'm Not Unemployed - I'm a Consultant”
• My greatest strength as a consultant is to be ignorant and ask a few questions
• A consultant is someone who takes your watch away to tell you what time it is.

A2. The  pareto principle (pareto's 80/20 law)

Pareto's Law states that within any given scenario or system or organisation:

    * 80 percent of results come from 20 percent of efforts
    * 80 percent of activity will require 20 percent of resources
    * 80 percent of usage is by 20 percent of users
    * 80 percent of the difficulty in achieving something lies in 20 percent of the challenge
    * 80 percent of revenue comes from 20 percent of customers
    * 80 percent of problems come from 20 percent of causes
    * 80 percent of profit comes from 20 percent of the product range
    * 80 percent of complaints come from 20 percent of customers
    * 80 percent of sales will come from 20 percent of sales people
    * 80 percent of corporate pollution comes from 20 percent of corporations
    * 80 percent of work absence is due to 20 percent of staff
    * 80 percent of road traffic accidents are cause by 20 percent of drivers
    * 80 percent of a restaurant's turnover comes from 20 percent of its menu

A3. Parkinson's law

"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." (Cyril Northcote Parkinson, 909-99, English political scientist, historian and writer, from his book, Parkinson's Law - The Pursuit of Progress, written in 1957.)

The fuller version states:

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion, and subordinates multiply at a fixed rate, regardless of the amount of work produced.."

Expenditure rises to meet income.

The man who is denied the opportunity of taking decisions of importance begins to regard as important the decisions he is allowed to take.

A4. The Peter principle

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence" (Dr Laurence Peter,  The Peter Principle, written by Dr Peter and Raymond Hull)

Far from being an indictment of people, Laurence Peter's ideas were mostly focused on the weaknesses of typical organisations, and the threat that they present to the well-being of their people.

Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull's 969 book The Peter Principle is a study of hierarchies (Peter coined the scientific term 'hierarchiology') and how people behave within them in relation to promotion and competence. Laurence Peter also asserted that, "Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence", although he places the blame on organisations, not employees, and urges people to prioritise their health and happiness rather than struggle to meet the unhealthy demands of a promotion-too-far, in an uncaring hierarchy.

Laurence Peter observed that bosses who are competent in their roles tend to assess employees according to their output and results, whereas incompetent bosses tend to assess employees according to their input and adherence to rules and policies, etc. This remains a feature of poorly managed organisations and hierarchies.

Peter also suggested that 'super-competence' in an employee is more likely to result in dismissal than promotion, which again is a feature of poor organisations, which cannot handle the disruption. A super-competent employee "...violates the first commandment of hierarchical life: [namely that] the hierarchy must be preserved.." which again is symptomatic of poorly run modern organisations, just as it was back in the 960's.

A5. Tribal wisdom

According to legend and the customary presentation of this item, the tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in local government,  more advanced strategies are often employed, such as

  

Re-structuring the dead horse's reward scale to contain a performance-related element (obviously..)

Suspending the horse's access to the executive grassy meadow until it improves its attitude and makes good all productivity shortfalls.

Finding a mentor or buddy for the dead horse.

Examining the cost-savings accruing from de-skilling the dead horse function.

Denying the existence of the dead horse, until the story appears in the Drudge Report, upon which release ready-made PR featuring the dead horse 'in action', thus totally fooling everyone who thought the horse was dead (but it still is of course).

Re-aligning the organizational aims to better fit the needs of the dead horse

Outsourcing the management and/or the riding of the dead horse to a specialist dead horse management company

Bringing in a team of expensive external consultants to focus on dead horse optimisation.

Re-branding the dead horse a 'Fair Trade Horse', and affixing prominent Fair Trade insignia to its hind-quarters.

Scrutinsing and challenging the dead horse's expenses claims, and leaking baseless related accusations to the media and the dead horse transparency unit.

Asking Richard Branson if he'd be interested in running a Virgin Dead Horse joint venture.

Setting up an inquiry into the dead horse, preferably headed by a dead horse and answerable to other dead horses.

Forming a task force to investigate the dead horse's positive benefits on social enterprise.

Blaming the dead horse on the sub-prime credit crunch, thereby absolving (and enabling the obscenely generous rewarding of) those responsible for the decision to recruit an emaciated horse, starve it, and keep it in a frozen field (because the stables were sold to property developers years ago).

Unmasking the dead horse to be in illegal immigrant, therefore author of its own misfortune, and to blame for a lot more than simply being dead on the job.

Off-shoring the stabling and veterinary support of the dead horse to somewhere in the Indian sub-continent.

Sending the dead horse on an outward bound or log-carrying weekend with other dead horses.

Lobbying ministers and pressure groups for the extension of European standards to encompass the special qualities of dead horses.

Making the dead horse redundant, giving it a hefty golden hoof-shake, and then retaining it as consultant at five times its previous annual cost.

If the above depresses, then we'll finish on a brighter note...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?... Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (Marianne Williamson, author, from A Return To Love, 1899.)

Giving up

This week's had a fair bit of news, as weeks go. On the political front, Labour and the Tories are all setting out their stalls, and telling us that we'd be worse off under the other lot, leaving you to wonder why we trust a group of people whose dishonesty and avarice is blatantly obvious, whose opinion of the average voter is unprintable, and why we vote for people who know - no matter who gets into power next election - that everything's going to be more expensive, and that we're all going to be worse off.  PR with STV could solve a lot of problems, but the two big parties will continue to oppose it, as they know they'd lose out (that's the only reason, by the way) and thus make folk think twice before voting Lib Dem.  Until that changes, the government will continue to be elected by a minority of voters.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, the potholes are appearing as the snow melts, and some of the rural roads resemble earthquake zones. Which brings us to Haiti. Despite being a Francophone nation, we've responded - as we always do - with generosity of spirit.  The Rotarians throughout the world are creating Shelterbox, uniquely designed for geophysical disaster areas on our planet and even the smaller groups are donating.  Trinity Players of Llandudno for instance, have just sent £1000 to the aid agencies to help and more than £2.5m has been raised in 3 days across the UK.

Why, we have to  wonder, when so many of our people are so unselfish, thoughtful and giving, do we continue to put up with the political shenanigans we do? Perhaps it's time to change.

A crashing bore

As the snow finally starts to clear from the higher level villages and roads, and the freezing-cold rain combines with the thawing ice to produce a mushy slush, clearly designed for either a slush-puppy manufacturer's mushy dream or an A & E consultant's nightmare, we learn car insurance claims are 60% higher than usual over the past three weeks.

It's news like that which really warms the rather chilly ice-cockles of the heart. And we know that car insurance companies  - accompanied by all the other branches of the industry - are continuing their merry jape of goalpost moving, just when we think we've got it covered. 

The latest jolly spiffing wheeze that they've introduced is to change the comprehensive policy into a...well, not quite so comprehensive policy. And this might be more than a little worrying for you.  Yes, you...

For years, a comprehensive car policy had a number of 'standard' bits, one extremely useful aspect being that a comprehensive policy always covered you - third party only - to drive someone else's car. It's been a feature of these polices since before they invented horses, so folk who routinely get a comprehensive policy have always been able to move someone's car legally - say, a friend or relative's, if they needed a hand.  But last summer, they started changing that.  Your new policy may well not cover you for driving anyone else's car.

Good companies (yes, there are a couple) make a point of bringing this to your attention very clearly, but not-so-good ones (there's a lot of them) aren't mentioning it very prominently so that - if you've renewed your policy in the last six months you may well not be covered.

This is part of a continuing trend to bring their costs down and heap more and more liability onto the already overburdened shoulders of the policyholder.  But there's a more annoying fact: why call the policy 'comprehensive' when it's now anything but? Time the insurance companies started taking notice of their own blurbs, we think.

The art of misdirection

Really tragic events are not uncommon, unfortunately, but this morning's Daily Post features one of the more worrying, both in terms of the  incident itself and how the media can 'slant' the actual reporting. 

The  facts of the case are straightforward. A ten year-old girl was sitting in the passenger side front seat of the car and was trying to send a text message.  The mother - whilst driving - leaned across to help her and thus didn't look where she was going, veered across the road and smashed into two other vehicles, triggering the air bags, causing the passenger side airbag to strike the girl's forehead, fracturing her skull and leading to her death.

In the immediate aftermath of the incident the mother accepted full responsibility, and it is indeed a trauma which will remain with her the rest of her life.

But the Daily Post writes "Ten year-old Chloe Ann Bunney died of serious head injuries caused by an airbag, after her mum’s car crashed into two others in a horrific accident".  In that statement, there is no intimation of what caused the accident,which is interesting.  The Post then goes on to say "Mum Jolene had taken her eyes off the road to lean over and help Chloe send a text message to her gran." and uses warm, friendly terminology such as 'mum' and 'gran' to soften the overall impact of a tragic event and to deflect the responsibility for the accident. They then report the coroner's findings by writing "Recording a verdict of accidental death at the inquest in Caernarfon, the coroner said: 'The injury was caused not by the impact but by the airbag. '"

But surely the injury was caused by the collision, which was caused by the mother driving dangerously?

This was a tragic event, in all senses of the word,  and we feel for the mother in this case.  But cloying reporting of the type used by the Post does nothing to highlight the dangers of texting or using a mobile phone while driving and acts merely to deflect full responsibility for a tragic error.  Of course, this is nothing new, but this mother might lack the immense resources of professional parents - such as Doctors - who could, if they perhaps left their own children unattended while enjoying a meal with friends, for instance, engage in a truly epic exercise in misdirection to eschew any responsibility for their actions, no matter how reprehensible, or how dire the consequences.

Driving round the bend

Dr Munnaza Zahid, a West Shore Surgery GP in Bryniau Road, Llandudno was on her way back from a shopping trip when another driver knocked on her car window and launched a ‘distressing’ tirade, referring to her ethnic origins and bad driving
 The GP at West Shore Surgery in Bryniau Road, Llandudno, said she was left shaken, and had to step down from chairing a meeting that afternoon after Malcolm Stewart admitted  he’d said: ‘You **** bitch – where have you learned this driving from? Which country have you come from?’

There's little doubt that road rage - or, to jettison the euphemism - stupidity - is on the rise, although following drivers whose cars are clearly not fitted with indicators, reverse gears or an intelligent driver is enough to sap the will to live.  However, racism or using racists inferences to abuse is not only the last resort of a bankrupt mentality, but it also destroys the credibility of the assailant.  We have no idea of how good - or bad - Dr Zahid's driving was that day because all we now see and hear is the racist insult.

It's a similar thing on the internet.  There are those of us who feel that the internet - with its plethora of forums, blogs, websites and social networking sites is a boon to folk who enjoy healthy debates, discussions, conversations or simply contact with other folk.  In many ways, internet forums have replaced the cafes and pubs of the past for conversation, debate and nattering, although the service can be a bit slow at times.  But there will always be the odd one whose vocabulary of invective is enough to make seasoned dockers turn pale, and they can have a highly disruptive influence on the social intercourse that characterises the internet generally. 
The other great advantage of internet socialisation is that you're pretty unlikely to get clobbered by a car on the way to the computer.

Roly's Reincarnation Rules!

Reincarnation is something that few accept, but which many - secretly - believe in.  This week, the Daily Post reported that the Rhos Harbour Bistro had lost its licence to flog alcohol to   children, after a raid found one girl so drunk she couldn’t walk and had to be carried to a waiting car, many aged just 15, while some bar staff, who would have been underage if drinking alcohol themselves, were knowingly selling booze to their underage friends. Unsurprisingly, the atmosphere "turned hostile as police tried to remonstrate with the jeering crowd during the raid on Friday December 11 at 11.20pm, and a bottle was thrown at officials". The Post also says "It later emerged licensee Neil Formstone had told drinkers to put their glasses on the floor if unfamiliar adults turned up".

There are a couple of fascinating facts about this event, however.  The same person who was flogging alcohol to children and who - apparently - encouraged them to lie - Neil Formstone - used to be a local Tory Conwy county councillor.  A pillar of the community, a representative of the people.  There's more, however.  The raid was led by Roly Schwarz, licensing officer for Conwy and Denbighshire, who said: “Everybody (shown) is clearly a youngster. The licensee is among them all. There’s no excuse.”  This is the same Roly Schwarz who used to be a senior Police Officer and who was widely regarded by his superiors as one of the best 'thief-takers' in the business, having learnt his trade in Liverpool.

The news that Roly will be policing the licensed trade in the area will - rightly - send a chill down the backs of those who think encouraging children to down masses of alcohol in an unsupervised setting is somehow acceptable.  Well done, Roly.

Touching whose base?

In the headlong rush to seem professional and 'with it', office managers, politicians and executives have long been coming up with some truly bizarre twists on the English Language.

Office Angels, the recruitment firm, has compiled a list of the oddest phrases which include

::We need the right Pin numbers (we need it to work);
:: A lighthouse on a cloudy night (coming up with a good/bright idea);
:: I'm coming into this with an open kimono (throwing an idea out into the open but being open to criticism);
:: Let's touch base about this offline (let's meet up face to face);
:: Finger in the air figure (just an estimate);
:: I think someone needs a bite of the reality sandwich (someone needs to think a bit more practically);
:: Let's run that idea up the flagpole and see if it flies (simply trying out an idea);
:: Let's not try to build a chestnut fence to keep the sand-dunes in (face a problem head on, rather than battling it unsuccessfully);
:: Expecting the moon on a stick (when clients have ridiculous expectations).

Jargon, however, is nothing new, and is almost always a symptom of a mediocre professional attempting to seem 'cool' and 'with it' to colleagues. But jargon - words or phrases whose meaning is not necessarily immediately obvious - has a more sinister purpose;  professions such as Medicine and Law have been using it for years to bamboozle clients and maintain a mystical aura around their work, a tradition harking back to tribal shaman who clearly wanted to preserve their positions of power and influence and stop others muscling in on their act.

For now, however being of a forgiving nature, we'll simply suggest you get on board and smell the coffee, prior to jumping off a very high bridge somewhere.

Make us laugh

As a headnote to the posting about comedy (3 down) we should mention the arrival of a new US comedy set in a New York Hospital and called Nurse Jackie. Our colonial cousins are extremely good at this sort of thing (we could learn from them) and this show is no exception.  BBC 2, late night - set the PVR to 'series link' and don't miss it.

From the Independent:

To say that Edie Falco was the best thing in The Sopranos is a bit, albeit only a bit, like saying that the liquorice-poached salmon is the best thing about the tasting menu at the Fat Duck: how can you pick out just one part of such a magnificent and multi-layered feast? Well, I can't comment on the Fat Duck's tasting menu – I'm still saving up – but I can at least offer a personal view that Falco's exquisitely subtle and nuanced portrayal of mobster's wife Carmela Soprano was indeed the best thing about The Sopranos, and she's back with subtlety and nuance aplenty playing the title role in Nurse Jackie, yet another US import to force us to re-examine the whiskery old notion that Britain is the rightful home of original TV drama.

The shame of it

It may not be a cause for celebration among the area's youngsters, but Wales has far fewer schools closed because of snow and ice than the rest of the UK. But why do schools close at all?  After all, the rest of the essential services struggle on, so why not schools?

There are a couple of reasons why schools close.  The first is because most staff strategically live well away from their school catchment area.  In much the same way that off duty police don't frequent known criminal haunts, teachers try to avoid socialising with children they teach or their parents, and that can mean a long trip to reach work.

And the same sort of thing applies to Doctors and Police. Friends of ours who work as GPs always attempt to holiday incognito, as once it's known they're medical practitioners the questions and demands for their services never stop.

But a medical practitioner, a teacher and a Police officer do have something in common.  Not that long ago their jobs weren't simply 'jobs';  they were vocations. The village Doctor knew their patients, often socially, and was happy to spend time with them outside the practice.  The village bobby could always be relied on to sort out trouble, even on their night off, and wasn't averse to getting 'stuck in'. The teacher would often be found volunteering with any one of a number of youth-related activities, clubs or societies but all that was in the pre-Thatcher era. That was when people cared about their communities, invested time and effort into community based activities simply because they believed it was the right thing to do and before every activity, effort and contribution had begun to acquire a monetary value.  Now, people are regarded as inherently untrustworthy, ascribed the basest of motives and assumed to be making any contribution for personal gain.

Whether this is solely a consequence of naked materialism, as introduced by the egregious  Thatcher, or her oleaginous cohorts, such as Baker or whether society would have moved in that direction, anyway, is a moot point but whatever the cause we're left with a society markedly less trusting and welcoming than we used to have. And that's the real shame.

Snow joke

Last night, our little corner of the world reached -10C - or a tad chilly, as Ranulph Fiennes might say.  Some of the sights in temperatures like those are, however, quite simply stunning.  Near Betws, a frozen waterfall stood - halted in time, an aquatic suspension of disbelief, withy white, silver and blue threads shimmering in the morning sun.  The Conwy was also delightful, sporting tiny, snow-capped islands, around which sluggish water tricked through the frozen sheets of ice that have been steadily halting its flow for several days.

Driving to Betws was also an experience.  Grit doesn't work terribly well below -6C, so caution determined a fairly sedate speed along  a road that could well be harbouring some nasty surprises. However, more candidates for the Darwin awards appeared, whipping past us at 60+, totally unaware of what the road ahead might hold, although they at least had four wheels.  The most worrying sight was that of a man on a bike, driving through patches of clearly visible ice. 

In Norway, of course, folk are used to these conditions, and they drive accordingly.  Those living in the more rural spots meet up at the local town, and then follow a snow plough up to their villages. And Northern Europe mandates that everyone drive with dipped headlights al the time between October and March.  Here, naturally, we have the usual anti-safety brigades, who seem to forget that dipped headlights aren't there for you to see where you're going;  they're there so others can see you.

Maybe we should make them compulsory, at the same time we slap a £1.00 per unit surcharge on alcohol. At least the roads might become a little safer.

Don't make me laugh...

The BBC has acquired a new attitude to comedy. It now needs to be funny.  Ah yes, I hear you cry, gentle reader, but it always was, wasn't it?

No.  It wasn't.   It was, however, up to the start of the '90s, when the Powers That Be in the BBC decided in their collective wisdom that comedy was out, cutting edge, alternative stuff was in. You know, the stuff that gets a small collection of obscenely over-paid, dubious-substance-sniffing financial acolytes in a hot, sweaty converted basement club in the West end guffawing nosily, usually to try to impress their mediocre peers with their imagined ability to spot a joke that didn't exist in the first place.

For some inexplicable reason, the Beeb promotes people who have little knowledge of or contact with ordinary intelligent folk, and puts them in charge of things like comedy. Thus, the cretinous opinions of an ex-public school failure determine the comedic fare for the whole BBC audience.

Now, that's not to say all modern, cutting edge, alternative stuff is bad. Some is bearable, some almost good but most is dreadful.  That's partly because stand-up comedy is the hardest form of entertainment and writing it is only slightly less difficult. But think of the shows that actually made the entire family laugh, appealed to the intelligent, astute and thoughtful, were skilfully written, brilliantly crafted and worked like a charm in the hands of the experts.  Braben writing for Morecambe and Wise, Jay and Lyn writing Yes Minister and its even better successor, Yes PM, Fawlty Towers, the Good Life and - crossing the pond - the inimitable Frasier and the outstanding MASH;  the list goes on. That not one of the Bright Young Things at the Beeb could comprehend that by filling comedy with post-watershed vocabulary that had a limited appeal, even to male adolescents, would systemically disenfranchise  an entire generation from TV and comedy in general is staggering;  and only slightly less staggering than that they did so in the full knowledge of the complaints being made on a daily basis about the lack of comedic family fare.

But the new head of BBC comedy says we need more family comedy.  As though this was news.  But hey;  let's encourage the man, and hope that we haven't completely lost the genius of writers such as Jay, Cleese, Braben and many more.  And maybe we'll start seeing things that not only make us laugh, but challenge us and provide multi-layered fare for the whole family.

The fairer sex

We hear a lot of Blonde jokes, but here is Women's revenge...

1. What do you call a handcuffed man? 
Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

9. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

11. What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

14. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

The Supputation of the Year

New years are interesting things. The supputation  of the year always brings  that sneaking suspicion that you should have made some sort of resolution, despite the knowledge that most resolutions are neatly sundered by the end of the first week of January, but it can also be an infinitely depressing time.  The cheerful, twinkling decorations that made the gloomy evenings bearable are dismantled and put away carefully, so that next December they can be brought out again and marvelled at for not working, despite functioning perfectly when you put them away. But somehow, fixing any broken ones this year doesn't seem the thing to do.

And then there's the tree. Few artefacts of Christmas are mulled over, worked on, debated about and generally fiddled with as much as the tree. The debates start early;  should we go for a synthetic, a traditional needle-shedding, insect-ridden, sap-oozing Douglas Fir or perhaps invest in the pricier, slightly bluer but nicer-smelling Noble? When you've browsed the nurseries, grumbling about the exorbitant prices this year, found one that seems absolutely perfect, taken it to the chap who then feeds it into some device which covers it in fish netting and makes you wonder if they do a model specifically for young children, proffered the credit card and listened for the faint screams, tugged, wheeled, pushed and persuaded the thing into the car and driven it home, the fun really starts.

But despite the sweat, toil and tears, it can look wonderful in the corner of the room, before it's festooned with a thousand baubles, beads, lametta strings, lights and other trinkets, effectively concealing it almost completely and making you wonder if a simple set of coat hangers wouldn't suffice next year.

Curiously, we also seem to hear of deaths at Christmas. People die all the time, of course, but we seem to attach a special significance to deaths at this time of year. The removal of decorations and lights at this time does nothing to lighten the mood, as the short days will continue for some time, and any GP will tell you that January is a peak time for referrals for depressive-associated illnesses.  Of course, this could all have been at least partly avoided if those pesky MPs hadn't switched from the Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar in 1752 and effectively moved Christmas 11 days earlier, giving us a longer period of dark mornings and evenings after the celebrations ended, presumably so they'd be able to claim for extra lighting.

At least this year, however, Conwy is collecting the old trees for recycling,  so at least we'll be able to turf them out with a clearer conscience.

It was a riot!

Pontins apparently hosted its very own riot on New Year's Eve. Apparently the Fun Factory at Prestatyn turned out to be anything but for many folk as they sheltered beneath tables, righted upturned wheelchairs and watched the Police Helicopter as it droned overhead.

Worrying things, riots. There's a hopeless. fear-induced terror when caught in the midst of a very large group of inebriated individuals of low intellect and apparently utterly out of control. Parallels with the average CCBC sub-committee meetings aside, one has to feel for families of young children as they see adults behaving so badly.  Coupled with the news that Alcohol is responsible for £7.2bn in NHS costs, perhaps it's time to start thinking about how the industry should be making more of a contribution than it already does and also about treatment for self-induced problems on the NHS. Mind you, if we go down that road, it's hard to know where to stop.  Happy New second day!

And so it continues

A 55-YEAR-OLD man, who had planned to spend two days camping on Snowdon and said: “I climbed the Watkin Path to an old quarry (at Bwlch Cwn Llan) with my brother on Monday and the weather was fantastically clear. I could see the Wicklow mountains in Ireland and the Preseli hills in Pembrokeshire. He returned down as planned before dusk and I camped out alone. I expected bad weather but it was much worse than forecast with 65 mile an hour winds and temperatures down to minus 10. I spent the day bedded down in the tent. By the time the weather cleared I had no energy to carry wet camping gear in a rucksack all the way down the hillside so I called for help," is clearly in the running for this year's Darwin awards.

Now, who would have thought that Snowdon would have had bad weather this past week? Given that this December is likely to be the coldest we've had for years, the highest snowfall and the worst ice conditions, did he think to check all the mountain meteorological forecasts?  His claim that the winds were not forecast is so wearing;  mountains have their own wind speeds, caused by phenomena such as Katabatic and Anabatic winds, vortices, shearing and convections, while the snow on Snowdon is now posing serious avalanche risks, and he didn't exactly need to be a meteorologist to see what the conditions across Snowdonia were like.  A quick glance up would have told him but, no;  instead he insanely chose to spend a night on his own on one of the most dangerous mountains in the UK, then decided to call out the rescue services to carry his stuff down for him because he felt tired.

How much longer will these tragically inept and uninformed people continue to put the lives of the rescue services at risk?  He has asked not to be named, but that's precisely what ought to be done, and this whole affair is yet another strong argument for the reintroduction of the stocks. Preferably, half way up Tryfan.