Toast, Tarsals and Tyranny

Yesterday started out relatively badly and went downhill quite quickly. Mostly, this had to do with the toast. We tend to try to eat healthily, and - as everyone knows - that costs money. Breakfast consists of one flagon of black, unsweetened coffee, one glass of pure orange juice (have you noticed the price of that? It’d probably be cheaper to have it flown in from the States on a daily basis:-)) and a slice of a very seedy, crunchy, brown bread toast.

The bread baker, however, hadn’t made his dough too well this week, so a large air bubble had formed an inch below the crust. The effect of that, of course, is to produce a slice of toast that comes in kit form - like an MFI wall cabinet or an episode of the X Factor. Fishing the small bit out of the toaster also provides a voyage of discovery, with all manner of implements being considered, then discarded as visions of cartoon-like electrical mayhem appear momentarily in imaginary thought bubbles and dissipate as quickly as a flash of lightning.

Unfulfilled, (and not very filled, either) the next port of call in the mornings is always the email client, to see what exciting enhancements to various bodily appendages are being offered as sure-fire solutions to the iniquities of life and the universe in general that day. Yesterday, however, the supplier of my keyboard was taking his normally high-handed and somewhat Teutonic approach to my request for a refund.

As regular readers will know, I am involved with the UK Consumers’ Association, and thus tend to be aware of things like shopping rights. Recently, I had decided to replace my trusty Maccally keyboard, really for no better reason than I wanted one with less reflective key tops. The actual keyboard has provided sterling service for over ten years, as does all kit from this manufacturer. However, they’re no longer producing one which has black keys with white letters, so ‘twas to another source I went, the oddly-titled ‘AllMacShop’.

This particular company sent a new keyboard, which promptly shed its numerical zero key on the keypad. I assumed I could live with that, as the rest of the keyboard seemed okay, so I popped it back into place and carried on using the thing. The next feature, however, was the loss of function on the ‘i’ key, acquiring a spongy feel and requiring the key to be stabbed with all the ferocity of an aged grandmother accusing the checkout operator of charging too much for her plum.

With online shopping, your rights are the same as when normal shopping: Goods must be of satisfactory quality, fit for purpose and as described when sold. If a retailer breaches any of these terms you have a right to reject the goods within a reasonable time and get a full refund. Or you can demand that the retailer gives you a refund, repair or replacement. If you send goods back for anything that is the fault of the supplier you should not have to pay the postage.

That last bit is extremely important, as is the bit about the retailer being responsible and not any third party. So I was less than ecstatic when the supplier told me I had to contact a technical support department before returning the thing. I explained, patiently, that it was a duff ‘i’ key, the symptoms of which were fairly precise and easy to recognise (no letter ‘i’ for starters...) and that it was their responsibility to sort it, and not a third party’s. The response to that was a rather high-handed and sarcastic rejoinder, in essence explaining that - as most customers were idiots - they always have to get this tech company to ascertain that there really is a problem and it’s not simply that the finger I use for the ‘i’ key has fallen off without my noticing. However, they would sort out an RMA number shortly, and I could return the keyboard. They also sent a list of the requirements for returning the item, which was only a little less daunting than a first edition of War and Peace, and helpfully included a link to a web page, saying exactly the same thing.

What was missing, however, was any mention of postage, pre-paid labels or the like. As you’d imagine, by now I was a little concerned ,and so dashed off a further email as follows:

Dear Graham,

I am returning the item shown below today. As your label does not appear to be a freepost label, and as I can find no mention of the postage costs anywhere on your site of the email you have sent I shall endeavour to send the item without charge If, however, Royal Mail demands a fee, then I shall forward the cost of that to you in my next email, and will - presumably - within 28 days receive a refund of the postage costs and a refund for the keyboard.

I should also point out that the day the keyboard arrived, the numerical '0' key fell out. I re-fitted it, but it fell out again. After a third attempt, the key has remained in place. However, when the 'i' key support failed the other day, it became obvious that the keyboard is simply a faulty item overall.

Which elicited a much speedier response from this epitome of customer care excellence:

With regards to our order reference.....

The warranty on the item you purchased is a limited warranty which is "return to base". The return is not free and it is not freepost. The cost of returning it for repair/replacement is yours not ours. If you return the item with no postage on it, it will either not arrive or it will not be accepted and it will be returned to you at your cost by the Royal Mail. The cost of posting your item back for repair/replacement will not be refunded.

As you purchased the item on the 24th of May 2009 you are not entitled to a full refund of the product but a repair or replacement of the product under warranty (as above). We have no record of you ever stating the product was defective upon receiving it so making this claim now is irrelevant.

Now, they’re wrong on at least two counts. The return postage is their responsibility, not mine and whether I told them that the thing was defective at the outset or not is not - as they claim - irrelevant. In fact, it’s now down to them to prove it wasn’t defective, not down to me to prove it is.

What all this points out, however, is that mail-order and internet companies who treat their customers badly - as does this outfit - will eventually lose out, because word spreads about this sort of thing and people return to using trusted internet suppliers, such as Amazon. Most folk are willing to pay a little more, for the security of knowing that you don’t have to enter into a civil court battle to make a company start behaving like a decent organisation should. The saga continues...

The perfect end to the perfect day, however, was provided when I ran my left foot into the door post, an action which induced pain which I can only liken to having teeth pulled without the niceties of anaesthesia. It became easier simply to go to bed and hope - fervently - that tomorrow (well, today now) can’t be as bad. On the other hand, I’ve just seen the forecast....