And so it continues (II)

Today, in the usually considered and understated tones of its sister paper, the DFM,  the Sunday Mail has a story about dog ownership, suggesting that the government is considering making people pass a test before they can own a dog.

In fact, not only is this an excellent idea, but it's worth considering whether it could be extended to parenthood. Perhaps it's about time that we restricted conception to those who are able to bring children up properly.

Yesterday we were inundated with EOTW (end of the world) warnings about torrential rain, 100 mph winds and the end of civilisation as we know it this weekend from a massive storm moving towards us destined to end all life on earth.  Turns out they were talking about London, which might get a strong breeze and an inch of rain. Of course, had it been Wales or Scotland getting battered, then we'd have been consigned to a footnote in the 'and finally' section of the BBC's news and weather.

Cameron is about to tell the party faithful that it's their 'Patriotic duty' to vote GB out of office.  In the past, when threatened, governments have looked for an outside cause or war to distract their critics. Perhaps Gordon should consider invading France? It could prove a popular move, as France is a nice size to accommodate all those asylum seekers who seem to like it over here, we'd get a nice holiday coast on the Med and we could use EuroDisney to offset the deficit.  Oh, wait;  Eurodisney is still £2bn in debt and made a loss of £50m last year.  Oh well, perhaps we should just invade London instead.  Then at least we could take over the BBC and get more balanced weather reports….

Hmmm....

A big congratulations to Cllr Chris Hughes who this year celebrates ten years of being chairman of the Friends of the Pier.  Just look what he's accomplished in this article, dated November 1999...

Ha!

New Scientist reports today that happiness isn't necessarily good for you. Psychologist Joe Forgas at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, suggests that happiness's negative effects all stem from a cheery mood's tendency to lull you into feeling secure. This makes you look inwards and behave both more selfishly and more carelessly.

To probe the effect of happiness on selfishness, Forgas and his colleague Hui Bing Tan put 45 students into good or bad moods by giving them positive or negative feedback on a "cognitive test" that they had taken. In fact the test was a fake and did not measure cognition, while the feedback bore no relation to their performance.

In related news, the mutilated bodies of two Australian psychologists were found inside a test centre, recently. They had been smothered with large numbers of test score sheets.  Police want to speak to a number of happy-looking students seen afterwards.

Once more unto the Beach, dear friends

The latest débâcle to appear from the WAG is the scandal of the unspent millions from the Communities First initiative, in which it was revealed that £140m had gone to partnerships, mainly to employ staff and run projects.  The WAG was also roundly criticised  for a lack of clarity and guidance from the Assembly Government.

The PAC committee stated: “Our conclusions are that, overall, the Communities First programme has not delivered good value for the significant amount of public money spent on it, and that this is largely because of weaknesses in the Welsh Government’s construction and management of the programme.”

Hmmm.  Well, there's probably more than a grain of truth there.  But without wishing to defend the frequently incompetent WAG it has to be said that giving out money is a fraught process, and asking civil servants to monitor the process and not expect them to spend most of the money on themselves reveals a worrying lack of awareness on the part of the politicos.

It's not that civil servants are dishonest as individuals.  It's simply that they work within a self-perpetuating system in which to gain your badge of honour you have to create a bigger administration team than your rivals.  What our WAG members fail to realise is that administration is not a means to accomplish something - it's the end result. You are judged by the size of the department in which you work, and thus the incentive to spend more on staff, offices, nice chairs and lots of paper clips is irresistible to the well-trained Mandarin.

But look at it this way: all those little local offices and people mean they have to eat somewhere, so the local chippy is probably doing quite well.

Bully, Bulli, Bello...

The attempt to paint our Gordon as a bully is rather odd.  After all, this isn't the first time there's been such allegations, and the last time they surfaced his numbers actually rose.

But what is a bully, exactly? The description given by the Oxford Dictionary is "a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker." so, in effect, it could apply to anyone who has subordinates.  The problem, of course, is in the perception of the 'bullied'; shouting at one person might simply have the same effect as water and ducks;  shouting at another might reduce them to a quivering wreck, so defining bullying isn't as simple as some people make out.  The curiously misguided lady who decided to stand up and say that her 'helpline' (why is it that word makes us wince?) had received calls from victims at the heart of government but won't release this information because it's confidential (but then why did she speak out at all?) seems strangely short on facts.

And it won't be lost on some that the dictionary definition of 'bully' can be applied equally well to any commander at war.

So it seems that it can be more the setting that determines if bullying is acceptable.  Bullying in the workplace is perhaps uncommon although bullying of staff by senior management  in schools has risen so dramatically that there are special services for staff who feel bullied.  A major part of this type of bullying seems to be the governmental obsession with ticking boxes and doing things exactly by the book in teaching - characteristics on which female staff seem to thrive, but which men often find difficult. Interestingly, there are signs that teaching is becoming an all female career, which raises serious questions about role models for impressionable young males. And questions about whether we want the young taught by what has become in recent years an emasculated profession, where spontaneity is dead, originality discouraged, innovation frowned upon and immense power given to head teachers, most of whom are now women, continue to rear their heads. 

Of course, perhaps Gordon's own schooling has left him wanting revenge. Now, there's a thought…

And finally

In a break from our more serious issues, we’ll be bringing you a car designer who’s crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.  We had hoped also to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.

 The House of Commons was sealed off on Friday after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said "It was like looking for a needle in a haystack."    

West Mercia police announced last night that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

Finally, it was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.

Snow, snow, thick thick Snow

It's little surprise that so many folk are ready to listen to the climate sceptics, uninformed, uneducated and deceptively-agenda-ridden as so many are.  While the Jet stream sits enjoying its break in the Med, we continue to shiver and watch our central heating costs spiral under repeated blankets of snow and nights of hard frost.

But the climate is complicated.  Really, really complicated, and the disciplines involved in its study are hard: fluid dynamics, Physics, Chemistry, Meteorology, Engineering - the science of Climatology involves all and more of these.  So when the sceptic sticks its head above the snow-covered parapet and squawks 'Wot global warming?'  you can be pretty sure their maths and intellect are both restricted to double figures.

 New Scientist - one of the more respected scientific journals - has a piece about this today. It's long, but written in lay terminology, and it's worth reading. Essentially, it talks about the chemistry of the atmosphere and what can be learnt from volcanic eruptions.  Specifically, Sulphur Dioxide - which has a cooling effect on the world's atmosphere.  The climate is changing - that's beyond doubt - but we're only just starting to understand why and how.

Many a slip

Along with many others, no doubt, the Winter Olympics has been compulsory viewing in the Carneades' household over the past week. The Winter Olympics is notable for the immense levels of skill required.  Just sliding without falling on ice is tricky, yet the top contestants fly into the air and rotate so rapidly their features become a blur.  It's been while since we've had anyone to equal the likes of John Curry, Robin Cousins or Torvill and Dean, but Cousins' erudite, analytical commentary is still an integral part of the Olympic figure skating competition for BBC viewers.  And it contrasts sharply with the incredibly stupid, vacuous, inept and repetitious, mixed metaphor commentary we sometimes get on snowboarding, or the Luge, for example.  Comments like 'That's a world class start!' or 'They're calling him the next Klammer / Bergman / [insert name here]' reveal the lamentable inadequacy of so many sport commentators, as they grope for phrases so well worn they wouldn't sell on ebay. 

When you can see what's happening for yourself, the last thing you need is some has-been or never-even-been-there telling you what's taking place before your very eyes, or adding their own brand of hysterical bigotry.   If they want to do that, they should commentate on snooker - except the egregious Virgo has that style sewn up.

Cousins' - like Snooker's Davies - knows the sport inside out and explains what's happening in detail.  His eye for precision and minutiae is extraordinary, and his expert accompaniment, in partnership with the delightful Sue Barker, make watching those events in which they're involved a real joy.  Great pity the Beeb doesn't have more of these people.

To be or not

As the announcement setting the date for the general election draws ever nearer, the spades are out, and entrenched positions are being dug at a rate of knots.

Politics is the UK is a strange business. The dreadful system of voting we have in place ensures the two-party system’s survival, and it’s only because Gordon Brown is starting to feel the heat that he’s talking about discussing a reform.  But views on Brown, Blair, Thatcher and Major are polarised, with many placing Thatcher at the top of their ‘to loathe’ list and many equally regarding Blair as a warmongering liar.

A local Aberconwy Tory observed the other day that ‘I reckon Mrs Thatcher will go down as a great Prime Minister’ which, if nothing else, proves how short memories can be.  So it’s often worth stepping back and looking at what different PMs have left as a legacy to the UK.

Margaret Thatcher's "principles of capitalism are under question," wailed Maurice Saatchi, the man who gave us the "Labour isn't working" slogan in 1979 – before his heroine tripled unemployment. A Billy Elliot version of history has made Thatcher a "boo-word in British politics", London's mayor Boris Johnson bleats. If only young people knew, insist the irreconcilable Tory diehards, what a basket-case Britain was in the 1970s – an "offshore banana republic", a land of perpetual power cuts, strikes and unburied bodies – they would understand why ­millions had to lose their jobs, industries and communities had to be destroyed and billions had to be handed over to the wealthy. Britain in the 70s, the high Tory Simon Heffer wrote last week, felt like the Soviet bloc, where men with "bad teeth and ill-fitting suits" (union leaders) called the shots in public life.

You'd never guess from all this fevered snobbery and retrospective catastrophism that average economic growth in Britain in the dismal 1970s, at 2.4% a year, was almost exactly the same as in the sunny Thatcherite 1980s – though a good deal more fairly distributed – and significantly higher than in the free-market boom years of the last two decades. Nor would you imagine that there was far greater equality and social mobility than after Thatcher got to work. Or that, while industrial conflict was often sharp in the 1970s, there was nothing to match the violence of the riots and industrial confrontations of Thatcher's Britain.

Tony Blair was unique;  the most electable politician in years, was how Frank Fields describes him, but what did he actually achieve? The Labour government from 1997 produced the longest period of sustained low inflation since the 60s,  introduced the National Minimum Wage, cut overall crime by 32 per cent, got young people achieving some of the best ever results at 14, 16, and 18, has added 85,000 more nurses, 32,000 more doctors, and brought back matrons to hospital wards.He also oversaw the raising of  child benefit up 26 per cent since 1997, brought in the £200 winter fuel payment to pensioners & up to £300 for over-80s and added 36,000 more teachers in England and 274,000 more support staff and teaching assistants. You can also include the dreadful child tax credit system, the cleanest rivers, beaches, drinking water and air since before the industrial revolution, free TV licences for over-75s, free off peak local bus travel for over-60s, free eye test for over 60s and free entry to national museums and galleries.

But there’s also the incredibly worrying PFI scheme, the imposition of more managers than doctors in the NHS and more.  In terms of Northern Ireland, however, his input might have resolved a dangerous situation but most folks over here don’t worry about that too much.

Sadly, what he will be most remembered for is the war, most critics having conveniently forgotten Thatcher’s escapade.  However, so long as we have the two party system and the first-past-the-post voting process, we’ll have polarisation of views, centred on which Prime Minister did the best  The truth is that all Prime ministers want power, and with that power they often forget just how the normal folk in this great country of ours live. Perhaps we need to elect a benign dictator of no fixed political persuasion, endow them with ultimate power for one year, then take a vote at the end of the year to decide if they’re worth keeping sacking or shooting.  Maybe then we’d get someone we deserved. Or maybe we already have.

The big bang

With echoes eerily reminiscent of an episode of Yes, Prime Minister, the Daily Post tells us today that "Peace protesters, including activists from North Wales, yesterday blockaded a nuclear weapons site where warheads for Trident submarines are made."

In the '60s the CND was a force to be reckoned with, but it seems their rhetoric hasn't changed much to adapt to the modern world. Brian Larkin, from Trident Ploughshares which helped organise the protest said:

“This comes at a time when even major political parties are questioning the logic of spending up to £97 billion on useless weapons. Although the Government now seems to have delayed the next phase of Trident replacement until after the general election, the ongoing construction of facilities at the AWE for the design, development and manufacture of new nuclear warheads is illegal and immoral and will only lead to further proliferation of nuclear weapons.”

Nuclear weapons are interesting things. They're probably the only weapons which cost as much as they do, are fiendishly complex to manufacture, design and test, and which everyone desperately hopes will never be used. But useless?

In an age where the boundaries between the goodies and the baddies are no longer clear-cut or identifiable, when countries filled with people who have not only made it pretty clear that they hate anything Western and will happily die in the process of taking a few Westerners down with them are slowly acquiring the technology that will enable them to build their own nuclear weapons and when there's never been a time when nuclear material has been less clearly accounted for, then it might be argued that it's probably sensible to ensure we're at least on something of a level playing field.

At some point in the future someone, somewhere will detonate a nuclear weapon on their enemies. Of that we can be certain.  Why?  Because in the entire history of the human race, there's never been a weapon devised that wasn't eventually used.  The countries that have their own weapons at least have the capacity to make the aggressors stop and think.  And that may be all we can hope for.

Up. up and awaaaay....

Further to the previous article, which seems to have raised some concerns (!), flicking through the latest AAIB bulletin reveals that there was a minor crash on Anglesey the other month. Nothing unusual about that, you might think, except the details.  It was a private pilot in a fifty-six year old aircraft.  The pilot's age, however, was 80. 

You might be surprised to know when the plane you're flying to Paris in next was actually built.  Airlines routinely fly passenger aircraft built in the '60s and '70s.  Of course, the MOT  for aircraft is a tad more stringent than for cars, but aircraft are not always the modern miracle you might think.

The really modern ones - the fly-by-wire Airbus variety - depend entirely on computer software to operate the mechanical bits.  For years, those who really understand such matters have been pointing out two things:  the first software ever written was inherently flawed, for a variety of complicated reasons. Secondly, all current software has been based on all preceding versions of the inherently flawed software. More ice, anyone?

Flying high, high, high

In the past, Carneades was a pilot. Of Aeroplanes, in case anyone was thinking ships. In the UK, once having gained your pilot's licence, you're automatically sent the Air Accident Investigation Branch's merry monthly bulletin, which spells out in curiously formal language the number and intensity of accidents to aircraft in the UK each month. This last missive was no exception, with the usual slew of pilots falling ill at the controls, bumping into each other with their aeroplanes - usually on the ground, it has to be said,  and falling into ditches, running off runways and other delightful pastimes.

Flying - by plane, anyway - is comparatively safe, these days, and the most you're usually at risk from is an aberrant ice cube in your drink. But it's worthwhile remembering that every month, at least fifteen UK airports report collisions, and that includes at least three of the really big ones. Sometimes these make you laugh, such as the time a mechanic retracted the landing gear on a 747 in Cardiff whilst the thing was standing in a hanger, or last month's incident where the bloke pushing a 737 out didn't see an air bridge and bashed the side in with the wing of the plane he was pushing. But at least the AAIB is one quango we won't be glad to see go.  You can't be too safe in an aeroplane.

Coming soon - to a street near you

Yesterday afternoon was full of fun for Colwyn Bay's residents as armed police closed off streets and surrounded two houses in Colwyn Bay, apparently hunting a man said to be carrying a knife or a Samurai sword.

At around 1pm outside a red-bricked semi-detached house in Belgrave Road, three unmarked police cars closed off the street, the police helicopter flew overhead, a huge crowd of over a 10000 people watched, joined later by pupils from the local Eirias High on their way home and a carnival atmosphere reigned supreme.  Locals brought out cakes and scones, and cups of tea were handed out to the dedicated workers, while flags were hastily draped from each side of the street and plans for a big street party were formulated.

Residents spoke of their “wonder” at seeing dozens of police descend on the street, shouting to a man to come out during what most of the 30000 locals in the vicinity described as a siege.

Around 300 of the heavily armed police were kitted out in riot gear – helmets, stab vests and shields -  and the remainder were driving tanks, heavy artillery and laying anti-aircraft defence balloons.

One of the 56000 eye-witnesses said: “They were calling to a man to come out of a house in Belgrave Road. It was a nice afternoon, with no chance of showers, so we brought out a little picnic table and our thermos - haven't used it for years, don't you know - but it kept the tea nice and warm, although it always tastes a bit funny, doesn't it?”

Local woman Delia Harbinger, 69, said: “I have seen a lot of police outside the house. They closed the road off and the police helicopter has been circling overhead. I am very, very shocked. A man told me that somebody had a knife. Would you like a cup of tea, love? There's room inside, if one of those nice, big policemen move up on the couch.  You're quite…big, too… ”

John Fantworthy-Bristle, 45, from Rhiwbank Terrace said: “It’s not the kind of thing you expect in your local neighbourhood, but it's helped build a community spirit, and we're all planning to have a party when it's all over, especially as the nice fireman have promised to set up a bowling alley for the children, and we're getting a collapsible castle and some coconut shies in".

Warner Bros and Dreamworks are said to be in negotiations for the film rights, with Brad Pitt rumoured to be playing the part of innocent bystander No.87,000,527 and James Cameron is expected to direct.

Gun forever?

Proving the adage that some folk will steal anything that's not nailed down, two canon guns have been liberated from the Rest and Be Thankful car park.  The cafe, situated half way round the Great Orme Drive, has had the canons in place for many years.  They were not only heavy, but were securely fastened with pretty large bolts.  So if anyone tries to flog you a four hundredweight canon gun that['s just fallen off the back of a lorry, tell the local constabulary.

As we enter the third age...

For those over a certain age, be sure to read the following helpful information regarding nocturnal amorous activities:


1. Wear your glasses.
To make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them all off)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5.. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember (applies to business men on conference trips as well).

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have a bottle of Paracetamol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . ... . . . . . .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

Tews your leader with care

The defection of Denis Tew from the local Tory party to Plaid has raised a few eyebrows, heckles and laughs. Defections happen, of course, but what are more interesting are the comments made by those whose grasp of the UK constitutional election  process, not to say reality itself, is a little slender.

This is a typical comment:

How anyone can justify being elected for one party and then simply switch to another without the benefit of an election is beyond me.
Whats more it discredits the election process. "

There is so much the poster either fails to grasp or chooses not to it's hard to know where to start.  However, we'll try.

In the UK, we don't elect parties.  Yes - a lot of people think we do, and the media would have you believe that the two party system is a huge strength of the UK, despite the fact that it's about as far from true democracy as it's possible to get.

In fact, we elect individuals. Now, it's true that - more often than not - these individuals get selected to represent a political party but that doesn't mean that the individual has to be a member of any political party. Unfortunately, because of years of indoctrination, people believe that we have to have parties, but we don't.

Parties are formed simply to ensure laws are passed easily. Without them, we'd have 635 individuals.  But would that be a bad thing?  Those individuals would have to represent the people who elected them.  At the  moment, once they're in, they simply go along with the party line, and constituencies often suffer.  It's also worth bearing in mind that most governments in the UK are elected by the minority. So all is not as it seems.

Life at the top

For those looking for something a little different, the Snowdon Mountain Railway (SMR) needs someone to manage Hafod Eryri cafe and visitor centre at the summit of the 3,560-foot mountain.

An SMR spokesman said: “This is an exciting new role for someone with the appropriate experience of managing in a busy catering and retail environment.”

It sounds a wonderful opportunity, especially for those who don't mind the odd sleep-over at the place. But there might be one little snag: The job starts in March but trains to the summit only run from May until October. One for the fit, perhaps?

Parking and ringing

Perhaps surprisingly, the United Reform Church in Rhos on Sea makes its way into the headlines this week, with a complaint that parking wardens are ticketing church users. People attending services and events at the Church claim signage at the council owned car park opposite the  church
which states operational hours as between 8am-6pm and lower down lists evening and night information - which asks for a 50p charge between 6pm and 9am -  is unclear.

Rev. Kate Gartside said members of a visiting choir, who had given up their time to join the congregation for the recording of two services for BBC Radio Wales, had been fined recently. She said: "It is very upsetting for people.”

Hmmm...using ringers for a recording, eh? Perhaps it was divine retribution? 

Lights, Camera....Action!

LONG renowned as a venue for film making North Wales will shortly be fitting its parking wardens with head cameras, presumably to film irate motorists after being ticketed for parking in the wrong place, at the wrong time, for too long and..well, just about anything that contravenes the long list of proscribed places and times on the Highways regulations.

Motorists have long been seen as an easy target; the fact they have a car is usually considered evidence that they're solvent, but the camera culture is growing, and not just with traffic wardens.  Video cameras have never been as cheap and reliable as they are now, and insurance companies are starting to offer significant discounts for drivers who have them fitted in their cars to monitor their driving, householders who fit them to their houses to monitor intruders and the Police have been using them routinely for years. They provide a useful source of evidence in any confrontational situations and are now becoming so tiny they can be used at work to gather information about bullying bosses and usurping underlings.

Wonder if there's downside to everything being videoed all the time?

Kids, eh?

It's curious, but you can go a long time without hearing anything about schools, teachers and children in the area, and suddenly the news is flooded with items.

In the latest incident, a pensioner, of Ffordd Pennant, Mold, was suspended from her job after her employers said she admitted she’d tapped – or slapped – a youngster’s hand out of the way to stop him assaulting another child.

She was later sacked from her job of 13 years working on school bus runs, escorting children with special needs between Flintshire and Denbighshire.

The facts are unclear, but quote of the day came from Ian Budd, head of the council's children's services, who said yesterday

"there is never any excuse for physically restraining children in the council's care."

Really.  Not even if they're threatening to harm themselves?

It was a silly thing to say.