Awa' wi ye..

Haggis is English. Haggis, a mixture of sheep innards — heart, liver and lungs — mixed with oatmeal, fat and spices, and cooked, ideally, in a sheep's stomach, is so much a part of Scottish tradition that the poet Robert Burns wrote an address to Haggis in 1786 but food historian Catherine Brown who is herself a Scot, says she has found a reference to haggis in an English cooking guide from 1615, predating any Scottish reference by more than a century.

Suddenly, the world makes a little less sense. As I sit here, desperately wondering why I can't get my browser to recognise an uploaded php file, I realise it's because something has gone irrevocably wrong with the universe. A seismic shift in the underlying fabric of the cosmos–possibly akin to the gravitational constant, or the speed of light–has obviously occurred, and that change is altering everything we've taken for granted since we were born.

It's now clear why the browser keeps telling me there's a permission error–although what it needs my permission for isn't too clear–and why a simple file upload should consume the better part of a day as prodigious efforts are expended to get the thing to behave. It's not a permission error at all; it's to do with a fundamental change in the very laws of the universe.

Who else apart from the Scots would create Haggis? It's so obviously Scottish that any reports, findings, discoveries and suggestions to the contrary are quite clearly simply cunning attempts by the English Tourist Board to carve out a slice of the Highland holiday market. Mark my words, they'll be moving Ben Nevis next week, you see if they don't. And they won't stop there; watch out for the new Eisteddfod competition–caber tossing–and the Ascot bagpipe ceremony, followed quickly by the Edinburgh Tattoo being held at Earl's Court. Windermere had better watch out, before monster spotting takes off in grand style and it's even money that they'll find a way to tow the Isle of Skye down to the South Coast.

And when they've finished all that, they'll re–brand porridge as 'oaty-bix', abolish the kilt and give Norway the Hebrides.

And I still can't see that damned php file in my browser.